Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Drastic Diet
A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ''Guaranteed my ass,'' he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, ''If you can catch me you can have me!''
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ''I like the way this company does business.''
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''
He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program.
''Are you sure,'' asks the representative on the phone, ''this is our most rigorous program...''
''Absolutely,'' he replies. '' I haven't felt this great in years!''
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ''If I catch you, I have you!!'''
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, ''If you can catch me you can have me!''
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ''I like the way this company does business.''
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''
He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program.
''Are you sure,'' asks the representative on the phone, ''this is our most rigorous program...''
''Absolutely,'' he replies. '' I haven't felt this great in years!''
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ''If I catch you, I have you!!'''
Thor and the Stranger
Thor mopes on Mt. Olympus. Zeus asks him why he looks so depressed. Thor says that he misses the companionship and love of a woman. Zeus tells Thor that he will fix the problem by sending Thor down to Earth.
Thor lands in the backyard of a single woman. The two immediately start making love and continue all weekend.
After the weekend Thor is back at Mt. Olympus with a big grin on his face. Zeus asks Thor the great woman's name, but Thor admits that he never asked.
Horrified at his rudeness, Zeus sends Thor back down to find out the woman's name. Arriving in the same backyard, Thor calls out to the woman, "I wanted to tell you I'm Thor."
She yells, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith or thpit!"
Thor lands in the backyard of a single woman. The two immediately start making love and continue all weekend.
After the weekend Thor is back at Mt. Olympus with a big grin on his face. Zeus asks Thor the great woman's name, but Thor admits that he never asked.
Horrified at his rudeness, Zeus sends Thor back down to find out the woman's name. Arriving in the same backyard, Thor calls out to the woman, "I wanted to tell you I'm Thor."
She yells, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith or thpit!"
Pierre the Fighter Pilot
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre the fighter pilot and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up. Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." He tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Pierre stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up. Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." He tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Pierre stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
The Leprechaun's Three Wishes
A guy walks into the bathroom and sees a very small man taking a leak. The little man looks at him and says "Hi! I'm a leprechaun! And because I like you, I'm going to grant you three wishes."
The man thinks for a moment and then says "I'd like a beautiful house."
"Granted. When you return home, you will have a gorgeous mansion."
"Great! Now I'd like a beautiful woman."
"Granted. When you return home, you will find a woman so amazing you will never look at another woman again."
"And I would love to have a huge penis."
"For that, you'll have to let me screw you in the ass."
The man hesitates, but since he wants a huge penis, he consents. As they're going at it, the man says "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me in the ass!"
The little man says "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun."
The man thinks for a moment and then says "I'd like a beautiful house."
"Granted. When you return home, you will have a gorgeous mansion."
"Great! Now I'd like a beautiful woman."
"Granted. When you return home, you will find a woman so amazing you will never look at another woman again."
"And I would love to have a huge penis."
"For that, you'll have to let me screw you in the ass."
The man hesitates, but since he wants a huge penis, he consents. As they're going at it, the man says "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me in the ass!"
The little man says "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun."
Two neighbors are always competing.
Two neighbors, John and Sam, are always competing.
One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden. When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.
Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.
The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."
"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"
One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden. When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.
Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.
The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."
"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"
Two Men and A Refrigerator
Two men named Cecil and Scott live together. One very hot day, Cecil walked into the kitchen and found Scott with his butt up to the refrigerator.
Cecil said, "Scott, what the heck is your butt doing in the refrigerator?"
Scott said: "Because I wanted you to have something cool to slip into."
Cecil said, "Scott, what the heck is your butt doing in the refrigerator?"
Scott said: "Because I wanted you to have something cool to slip into."
The Nuns and The Blind Man
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
Stick of Dynamite
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
Bad Food
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Monday, January 05, 2009
Fortune Cookie Say...
-- Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly.
-- Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.
-- Man who run in front of car get tired.
-- Man who run behind car get exhausted.
-- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
-- Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
-- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
-- Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.
-- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
-- Baseball is wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.
-- War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.-- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
-- Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.
-- Man who run in front of car get tired.
-- Man who run behind car get exhausted.
-- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
-- Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
-- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
-- Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.
-- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
-- Baseball is wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.
-- War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.-- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
New Years resolutions you can keep..
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. 4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. 6. Drink. Drink some more. 7. Take up a new habit: smoking. 8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night. 9. Spend more time at work. 10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine. 11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 12. Quit giving money & time to charity. 14. Start being superstitious. 15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words. 17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 18. Personal goal: bring back disco.
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. 4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. 6. Drink. Drink some more. 7. Take up a new habit: smoking. 8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night. 9. Spend more time at work. 10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine. 11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 12. Quit giving money & time to charity. 14. Start being superstitious. 15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words. 17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 18. Personal goal: bring back disco.
New Years resolutions you can keep..
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. 4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. 6. Drink. Drink some more. 7. Take up a new habit: smoking. 8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night. 9. Spend more time at work. 10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine. 11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 12. Quit giving money & time to charity. 14. Start being superstitious. 15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words. 17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 18. Personal goal: bring back disco.
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. 4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. 6. Drink. Drink some more. 7. Take up a new habit: smoking. 8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night. 9. Spend more time at work. 10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine. 11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 12. Quit giving money & time to charity. 14. Start being superstitious. 15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words. 17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 18. Personal goal: bring back disco.