The Most Gruesome Death

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

The Most Gruesome Death

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

Sensitive Beer

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

Texas Trooper

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''

Totally Bats

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

Milking it

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

The Local Strip Club

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

My Father, The Whorehouse Piano Player

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"