Thursday, September 18, 2008

Drinking Politics

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Have a good laugh!

How much would it cost to (telephone) call Malaysia from Hell? You'd be surprised!

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Ahmad Badawi died and go to hell. But
the devil has only one phone there. Queen says, I miss my England , can I
use your phone and hear how my people are doing down there.

She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks:
Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call? The devil says: Five million pounds.
She writes him a cheque and goes back to her chair .

Clinton wants to make a call too. He says I wanna call the US . He talks about ten minutes,
then asks how much do I owe you devil? The devil says Ten million dollars.
He also writes a cheque and goes back to his seat

Badawi is jealous. He says I want to call Malaysia. He calls and talks for about an hour to his
son-in-law who is busy trying to find Mr.Petronas. Then he asks the devil how much
do I owe you?

The devil replies: only one dollar. Badawi is shocked and asks 'why so little?'.

The devils says: if you make a call from one hell to another, IT'S LOCAL CALL.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Alien Abduction

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"

Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"

"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."

Friday, September 12, 2008

Grass Eater

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

Wednesday, September 10, 2008



我家住在深山中,每次要出去買東西,都相當麻煩,開保時捷要 5 小時,開賓士也要4 小時;雖然家裡有直昇機,但是開到那邊很難找到停機位,相當的不方便。

我偶爾也會出去逛街,爸媽怕我被綁架,隨身有 20 多個保鑣保護著,大家看到我都嚇跑了,所以我從小就開始被排斥...... 因為家裡是在深山,每次到了冬天都非常冷,爸爸也說,出去買東西很麻煩,所以冬天沒有暖爐 ...沒有棉被 ...每天只能陪著爸媽燒錢取暖 ... 而睡覺的時候,也只能蓋著錢睡覺 (我覺得英鎊比較溫暖) 。

 記得小時候,有一次,因為房間太大,還來不及跑出房間,就尿褲子了。所以,爸爸在我房間放了一台小綿羊機車,好讓我能在 10分鐘以內,衝出 1000 坪的房間,穿越 5公里的走廊,到達 800 坪的廁所 (我常常在走廊迷路 ) 。

 爸爸又另外叫人加蓋了 20間 600坪裡面有著250 坪小廁所的破房間。爸爸說:以後如果尿濕了,直接換房間,如果房間不夠或是太小的話,再告訴爸爸,爸爸再叫人來多蓋幾間,我們的生活很辛苦,你要忍著點!!


 還記得有一次,家裡遭小偷,因為他用炸藥炸壞了我爸的保險箱,使得裡面的金幣不斷的往外滾出來,結果竟把那個小偷壓死了 ......我覺得那個小偷好可憐 ......
金幣壓死人是很痛的!! 他不像之前那個被鈔票悶死的小偷一樣幸運。

 所以我從小養成了刻苦耐勞精神,我將來的志願,是要找 200 隻會吃錢的怪物,好把家裡的錢都吃光,為那些可憐的小偷報仇!!



Friday, September 05, 2008

Railroad Redneck

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."

The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."

The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."

The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."

The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."

"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

First Class Blondie

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."