Friday, March 31, 2006

At the Old Folks Home

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Blonde Rows of Corn

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.

She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!"

Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"

Monday, March 27, 2006

Yo Mama's So Fat... Beach

Yo' mama so fat, she goes to the beach and she's the only one who gets a tan!

More gay banter...

Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they started

discussing them.The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned

a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his

best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.

The second man said his son was doing just as well.He was a manager at acar sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

The third man said his was doing well too.He was a manager at a bank.Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.

The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn'tamounted to much.But he must be doing something right because,

just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrariby his friends!

How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales Style

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their timeselling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery twodays before the season opens. Software salespeople ship thefirst thing they catch and write up an invoice for anelephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint themgray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

Friday, March 24, 2006

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.


An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another women holding his penis. "What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"

Thursday, March 23, 2006


"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'???????" -Socrates minutes before death


Doc said i should go on a diet;
I said, "Ok, I will try it."
But when i saw how
Much food he'd allow,
I made up my mind not to buy it.


A few years ago my wife started to wear tight jeans. I went out and bought a convertible. Then she bleached her hair. I took a lot of multiple vitamin shots. Just a few months ago, she had a face lift and a "tummy tuck." I got an implant. And that's the way its been for the two of us: side by side -- growing young together.

Why do hipsters have such a hard time with karate?

Why do hipsters have such a hard time with karate?
They cant get past the white belt.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seatnext to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face wasplastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin wassticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaperand began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turnedto the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?""My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wickedwomen, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.""Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man andapologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?""I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."